the search

I used to talk to Satan. They were long, pleading ramblings. I was super young, maybe 5 or 6... I distinctly remember sitting in my room and BEGGING Satan to just stop. Stop filling our world with darkness and despair. I told him that God would take him back. If he would just let down his pride... God would forgive him. My dad had told me that God loved everyone, and that meant him too. He had experienced Heaven... didn't he want to go back? Wasn't he sad to have left all his good angel buddies?

How could he not see what he was doing? He was ruining it. He was ruining the beauty and the joy. People were dying because of him. He was making people cry. Didn't he feel bad? And so I tried to reason with him. I was sure that I could change Satan's mind... if he would just hear me out.

One day I told my mom what I had been doing. Her eyes got really big and she immediately told me to stop talking to Satan.

Yeesh, thanks mom.
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I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately. The way it works for other people doesn't seem to work for me, I've decided. God and I don't jive with a 6am wake up call, a read through the bible, and a journal entry. We're not connecting through long silent prayers... cause I can't talk in my brain and not get distracted. It's just not gonna happen. I'm sure God isn't stoked when I'm talking with Him and He suddenly gets cut off because I'm trying to remember if I put my laundry in the dryer.

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I have had a lot of conversations with great friends about the complexity of God... and just how BIG He is. And if God is so big... there have got to be more ways to do this.

Real. Authentic. Genuine. Raw. Natural.

These are words that I want to define my search. Actually now that I look at them... these are words that I want to define me.

scratch that

Girls catch up time.

Monday night: 11:05pm

straight trippin'

Friday night: 3:30am

Saturday night: 5:30am

Sunday night: 2:30am

These are the times that I went to bed this weekend. Connecting with friends often punches Maslow's hierarchy in the face. My physiological needs aren't gettin in the way of these moments. Sucka.

Monday night: 9:30pm

Homework doesn't get the same curtesy, apparently.

macamacamac

My new Mac came in the mail yesterday. I'm currently typing on it right now, actually. It feels weird having it. I've never been one of those people who has the top of the line thing. My phone is a hand-me down, my ipod is from 2005, and the cd player in my car wouldn't even play burned cds. So I'm sitting here and the keys are all clicky and the screen is all shiny and it's kind of fun... but at the same time I feel kind of self-conscious about owning something so nice. It's like I want to say to people that don't know me very well, "I'm not rich enough to own this!"

Nick walked me through the options and assured me that this was a good long term investment. And it is. So that's good.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I might be blogging a lot more because... now typing is really fun. It's like when Chelsea got her new purple phone and fiddled with the picture features for weeks. Or when Nick got his bike and rode to our house all the time. Or when Ben got his sewing machine. Or when Jessi got that slack line thing she needed so she could set it up herself (... right??). Or when Chris found out how cheap the snacks were at Little Debbie's...

It's like that. Mostly.

There's some stuff about this thing that I still don't get though. It's currently making a "bloop" (?) noise... like it's trying to get my attention. But I don't know where my attention should be.... Ben Schnell comes tomorrow though. He'll help me figure it out.

Ben Schnell comes tomorrow!

you get what you give

When I was getting ready to leave World Vision, I thought for the first time ever, "I can't bare to say goodbye to these people. I shouldn't have invested so much."

I shouldn't have invested so much.

Yup. I thought it.

I've said "goodbye" a lot lately. I'm at that stage of life where I go through lots of stages, and people are at each stage... seeping into my heart. So my heart is full, but when the goodbyes happen... the fullness caves. And the imprint is still there... but the fullness is gone. Ya know?

And it's even harder when you know it's coming. Because you know that it's good. But knowing isn't going to make it stay. So you say your goodbyes, and you praise God that it happened and you knew it was happening.

I had an amazing summer. An amazing internship. I made incredible friendships, worked for something I believed in, and felt mildly out of my comfort zone the whole way through.

And you know what? I put everything I had into that place. And that, my friends, is why it was so good.

Linds and Bryan. My sanity keepers.

The IBU. Quirks and all.. this was the place to be this summer.

Some of my homies. We came from ALL different backgrounds... but we're passionate about social justice, and the rest was history.

My home for the summer. It's a beautiful thing when you're accepted into a family. Absolutely beautiful.

and then it was done... just like that.

I'm about to turn off my computer and leave this place. For the last time.

I hate goodbyes. Hate them.

My heart feels funny... achy, even.

you guys care. tell me why.

Hey friends, I need your thoughtful thoughts.

I have a meeting with one of the senior vice presidents of World Vision tomorrow. I set up an "informational interview" with her after she came and talked to us interns about how God has put her where she is, her thoughts on leadership, etc. And guys, I was INSPIRED by her (more to come on those thoughts later).

But one of the things she said towards the end of the meeting was that she wants to set up a focus group with us because she wants to hear from our generation. She says that our generation, more than any other, cares about the poor. We're not willing to just sit on the sidelines and watch change happen, we want to be in the middle of it. She said that we're like the people in the 60s, but without the violence. haha.

So she wants to hear from us. She wants to know what draws us in. Why do we care? What experiences have we had that lead us to be passionate about social justice, to be passionate about serving the poor?

So, fellow passionate friends. What was it? Why do you care? Was it a movie, a pastor, a story? What melted your heart and lit the fire? What can service organizations do to get young people more involved?

My meeting is tomorrow at 10:30. And I would LOVE it if some of you would take a couple minutes to tell me your thoughts. 'Cause I know you have them... that's why you're my friends :)