fight for your right to party

I have six or seven unpublished posts in my "edit posts" bin. There have been a lot of things I've wanted to write down, remember, get your reactions from, or vent about--but I always seem to get pulled away just as my body starts to sink into the hot tub of blissful writing mode.

That's kind of my life lately, really. I've had the wonderful privilege to have visitors for the past couple weeks--but that makes for a lot of fun and not a lot of down time. And this girl needs down time--especially lately.

We're going to India in about a month. Is that right? Oh man. One month. One month to buy tickets, get visas, order supplies, PLAN the trip, pack, do, a, bunch, of, other, random, things, and remember to breathe. There have been countless times during this process where I've had to REMIND myself who this is for and why it's all worth it. Because, MAN, it has been quite the journey.

The weather has been amazing for the last few days here in Seattle. And when lady Seattle chooses to drop her cloak of gloom and rain, you get to see her for what she really is--a sight to behold. Everything is lush and green, with white tipped mountains that stand proudly on each side like the Queen's guards --with Her Highness, Mt. Rainier, looking down at us with a powerful presence that I'll never be able to articulate.

I was complaining about never seeing this beauty because of the rain and one of my friends said, "Yeah but if you didn't have the rain this city wouldn't be half as beautiful."

It's the rain that does it. It's the rain that's going to make India sweeter, my pride take a bow, my heart grow stronger, and my communication get better. There's been a lot of stuff to deal with in these past months, but I'm coming to a place where that's okay. It's all part of the process and part of the growth--and if it's hard, that probably means there's something beautiful and good coming. That's the hope, anyway.

really? really.

I woke up this morning with part of my eye sealed shut.

Wait a minute... I've had this before... dangit! ... do I have pink-eye again!?

I crawled out of my friend Lindsey's bed and made my way to the bathroom. Yup. There's the goop, there's the pink, there's the frustrated face of Tara. Wham bam, NO thank you ma'am, I have pink-eye.

For those of you who don't know, I had pink-eye TWICE in February. It was ridiculous, and frustrating, and all around inconvenient. So having it now, again, feels extra discouraging.

I think it's also discouraging because it's kind of the icing on the not-so-good-cake when it comes to these past two weeks. These past two weeks have been rough, to be honest.

And

I

just

want

a

break

through.

I just want to feel like my life is making sense. I want to feel like it is full and good and on the right track. But when you add up worries of work, the heart, broken friendships, India, finances, insecurities, my lack of spirituality, and the ever constant feeling of just not quite being enough of what I'm 'supposed' to be being--somehow life loses its zest. And, frankly, I'm tired of not feeling zesty. I'm super tired of it.

Camp MiVoden and Wawona are starting up today. Many of my closest friends are gearing up for a summer filled with sun, children, laughing, and memories. I wish I was there with them. It's kind of lonely knowing that they're off the communication grid for a couple of months. Camp is a different world--and when you're in that world it's hard to make time to connect with people who aren't in it. And I think the anticipation of that has made me kind of bummed.

It's a funny thing, this working-woman life. You have to be really intentional about how you spend your time--and thus far I've kind of sucked at it. Eck. Actually, I don't really feel like writing about that. I've written enough about melancholy things for one post. Someday though I'm going to purge my brain of these thoughts I have on being in the "real world" as we call it--whatever that means.

Until then, it's time for more drops in this itchy eye of mine.

like a polaroid picture.

I've been going to Zumba on Tuesday and Thursday nights for awhile now. It's an exercise class that let's you work it for all you're worth--gettin' those hips movin' and your inner woman out. I'm terrible at it. But I love it. After awhile you just stop caring and you just get your groove on, at least that's what the 50 and 60-year-old women are doing in my class.

Tonight there was a particular adorable little asian lady that I had the privilege of dancing next to. She had no rhythm or idea what was going on, but boy was she tryin'! Oooeeee how it made my heart just SOOOAARRR! She was just precious! Precious I say!

And there we were. Two people out of our comfort zone. Two people just tryin' to get in shape. Two people with our insecurities, separate brains, separate thoughts and worries--together for one hour shakin' it all out.

Shakin' it all out!

mon tres bien ami.

When you've only got 12 hours together--you gotta make the most of it.

of utmost importance.

Friends. Here's what I would like. I would like to know what your favorite dessert is. I would mostly like to know this because there comes a time in everyone's life when this knowledge is necessary. It's necessary because it's your birthday, and you should be getting what you want. Now, I know a few things. I know that Nick likes pie and not cake, I know that Melissa hates chocolate, and I know that Anthony hates all things white and creamy. But, this is not enough. I must know more. If you don't like ANY desserty things, you can substitute your answer for a favorite dinner... OR...better yet, if you're feeling really decisive you could tell me both. Oh this is great. This is going to be great.

You should know that your answers are probably going to be put in a spread sheet and kept on file for the duration of our lives, ready at my finger tips for any birthday emergency. If, later on, you have changes you'd like to make, don't hesitate to let me know--but for now a simple, "cheesecake forever" or "funfetti cake has it all in the name" will suffice.

And in case you're wondering about MY favorite dessert or even if you weren't wondering, I will tell you. I don't really like cake. Especially chocolate cake. I would rather have pie any day. Fruit pies mostly. Banana cream pie very well may be my favorite, but apple and other goodies like that will do. But if there must be cake then funfetti is delicious.

Alright friends, educate me!

break the chains

I'm at a wedding in Tennessee this weekend. Well, technically Georgia. I get to be surrounded again by some of my nearest and dearest friends. The kind of friends that you can be in the car with and just sit in it. Sit in the friendship and sit in the silence--just completely content to be in each other's presence--listening to music, bobbing your head, staring out the window--doesn't matter, it's just an atmosphere of comfort.

There were a bunch of kids at the Rehearsal dinner tonight. They were everywhere, and my heart was just loving it. For you who have been around me the last year you know that I have become particularly ridiculous in this area. I don't know what happened, but ever since my niece was born something inside of me got switched on--and I am now a blubbering fool when children are around. I just want to play with them! I'm a sucker for peek-a-boo. I do it everywhere. Church, Walmart, Parking lots--no location will deter me. Children, you've got my heart!

I was thinking about this love I have for children tonight as I watched a mom wipe off the mouth of her little girl. The little girl pursed her lips and turned her head away, as if to say, "I don't care if my mouth is dirty." Another little blonde girl, pinked out, was shouting "Daddy look!" in the middle of some announcements. And then there was the rest of them, just running and playing and giggling, climbing over chairs and weaving in and out of adults. And as I watched all this happen I thought, kids are so free! They have no qualms about having a dirty face, saying when they need some attention, or running and jumping around just for the heck of it. They don't yet understand that it's embarrassing to go to the bathroom and find you've had something on your face for the whole day. They don't get that sometimes we don't vocalize what we need, and spontaneous running and jumping is, well, for kids. And I love that they don't get it! I love that they just flat don't care, or don't know that they should care.

So here's the goal--be more childish sometimes. Break the chains of self-conciousness and the overwhelming, always looming awareness that someone might not approve and just go for it--whatever it is at the moment. Eat a melted snickers without wiping your face, DANCE-JOG down the street, twirl with your arms out and face to the sky until you fall over, pee your pants, whatever. It's a little more childish, a little less chained, and a little more free. And frankly, that just sounds real nice.

6 hours and 2 achy legs later.

Today was a very successful day. It was a success on so many levels--but mainly it all rolls up into one big success--which is that I am still in a good mood after this whole day is over.

You see, Jessi and I have been dreading this day for quite some time now. We had strategized and communicated and over communicated about the plan and how we wanted to approach things--until it was finally time to put everything into action.

It was time to go bridesmaid dress shopping.

Now, you should know that I strongly dislike shopping. No, that's not true. I like shopping for about 40 minutes and 2 stores--but after that I'm done. After that I'm Crankster McGee. Also, I hate malls. They make me feel so... consumery. It's like materialism threw up everywhere. So, you can see why Jessi and I were both dreading this. I was dreading it because shopping is not my friend and it was added with the pressure of getting an affordable, cute, feel good, matches the criteria, bridesmaid dress. Jessi was dreading it because she had to help me do that.

But let me tell you, Jessi was a champ. A shopping marathon shopping for yourself is hard enough, but she was shopping for me. I'm so grateful she did though because I'm quite certain I could not have done that without her. I am now a proud owner of TWO bridesmaid dresses. That's right. Two. One for the actual wedding and one for the reception. Just kidding... but wouldn't that be funny? I DO have two though--the loser dress gets taken back eventually.

Anyway, my point to all this is that today was a very special day. Today I shopped for 6 hours, tried on multiple dresses in multiple stores, and--most importantly--stayed in a good mood the entire time. Well, maybe MOST importantly is that I actually have a bridesmaid dress, huh? Today is also special because I, for the first time ever, dropped my shoe in a flushing toilet. Don't you wish that that's what this blog was about?