this is good, too.

They took a three hour drive to come see me yesterday--knowing that they'd have to leave early this morning to catch Chelsea's flight. It was a spontaneous move. They are spontaneous girls. We soaked up our girl time like sponges (the bacteria-free ones). Dinner at Sweet Basil Pizza. LONG talk at Coffee Perk. 3 in a bed.

We woke up this morning to get coffee before they left. I thought about driving back to Spokane with them. Decided it was impractical. Talked about it with the girls. Decided it was spontaneous. No shower. 2 minute pack. Goodbye to my groggy and confused dad. --and we were on the road. We are spontaneous girls.

rest. stop.

When I said my goodbyes at Southern I felt like my heart was breaking. Those feelings and thoughts are for another blog in itself. But for tonight, just know that I realized that I have friends that feed my soul in Washington too. And I needed to remember that. God knew I needed to remember that.

I gotta go. Em is getting impatient. It's hot tub time!

This is my laptop. in the road. as a car is quickly approaching.

stressed = blessed

• I need sleep = I haven't gone to bed before 2am all week--friend time is just too precious (Amanda and I stayed up until 5:30 am this morning!)
• I hate packing = I have possessions to pack/my parents are SO helpful
• There are too many job possibilities--what do I pursue? = I have job possibilities
• Goodbyes suck = I've invested in this place and in these friendships--deeply.
• If I choose to live in the NW I'll only have half my heart/If I choose to live in TN I'll only have half my heart = I have two homes
• I graduated and now the world is wide open = I graduated and now the world is wide open

in the brain

Sometimes when I think about getting married I can't actually picture it happening. Not because I'm all pessimistic and boohooing that no one is ever going to love me, but because it seems so far removed. It's similar to how I feel about Heaven, unfortunately.

Today was my last day of work. No more working for the president. It's been an honor. Seriously.

I realized that I can't decide if I love or hate this cat that I live with. Mostly she frustrates the heck out of me. Like today, I was standing by the couch and she just JUMPED up, SWIPED my arm, and then bolted back under the Christmas tree. Who does that!? Why is she so evil?? But then it occurred to me that I've got a nice little place in my heart carved out for her. Weird.

My room is a mess. I haven't had the time or energy to clean it. But also, I haven't cleaned it because I've been telling myself that I'm going to be packing soon--so why don't I just wait till then? The problem is that I'm not actually leaving for another week. This is also why I haven't had any vegetables for two weeks--I didn't want to buy food if I was just going to leave. Bad. Idea.

When I was a kid my brother and I played cops and indians. It didn't occur to us that it should be different.

This will never be my home again. I don't want to go, I really don't. People keep telling me to stop saying that I'm leaving--but I've got to. I have to vocalize it and turn it over in my head so my heart doesn't rip in half when I get on that plane. I didn't know that friendships like this existed two and half years ago--and now I don't know how I will live without them.

Sometime between 7 and 9pm on Wednesday, December 15 I become part of the real world--as opposed to this fake world I've been living in. Fake, yea right. That's the last word I'd use to describe my life here.

and that's all she wrote

Got an email tonight. I'm not going to India.

I haven't verbalized it to anyone yet... even though I have friends here, sitting in the same room. I want to hold it close for a little bit longer--take time to look closely at the disappointment, turn it over in my mind--then put it on the shelf. For good.

I am having a "chat" with the hiring manager for World Vision tomorrow. It looks promising.

The phrase "Let go and let God" has come to mind several times during this process. I've never said it out loud because it sounds too contrived--too cliche. But you should know that from now on, that's exactly what I'm planning to do.

Aaaand.... BREAK!

Things to look forward to for Thanksgiving break 2010:

• SLEEP.
• ROAD TRIP to Florida!
• Spending Thanksgiving with Nick and his family (I love meeting my friend's families!)
• GOOD FOOD.
• Seeing "central" Florida (apparently me going to Kulaqua doesn't quite count as experiencing Florida. Whatever.)
• Going to Orlando for the weekend to meet/hang out with Melissa's family (I love meeting my friend's families!)
• Having game night Saturday night with old friends like Eric and Leslie Woodard, Ryan and Monica Yeo and other Florida homies.
• Maybe going to Busch Gardens?
• Maybe watching 127 hours? (I'm a little scared to watch this movie... my tummy and heart don't do good with sawed off appendages)
• Having time to regroup before the whirlwind two weeks that lead to graduation (more on my thoughts about that later)
• A whole day set aside to think about how lucky we are for what we have.

But first things first... NAP.

Brad, this has more than two paragraphs

[This post has nothing to do with this picture. But sometime

I should tell you about this adventure... and how much I

love my friends here.]

I woke up this morning with the taste of toothpaste still lingering. That's never a good sign. It means that the time between when you brushed your teeth and went to bed and then woke up again wasn't long enough for morning breath to do its damage.

I was up till 4am working on a draft for a 15-20 page paper. It was midnight... and I had 2 pages. Guys, I have senioritus. Full on with procrastination cough and a fever of varying I-don't-want-to-care-anymore degrees. But I must care, because I'm inherently too good of a student to not. So I'm caught in this weird stressful phase of not wanting to care and caring at the same time.

I graduate in four weeks and two days. There are lots of things to do between now and then. Just little things, ya know, like figuring out my FUTURE.

Today was the day I was supposed to hear about India. I've been mentally ticking the days away, excited to actually have a date when I would know the direction my life might be taking. But, I should have known. They told me this morning that Jim isn't coming into the office until Wednesday, and I still may not have an answer by then because there's more to discuss with Asian Aid, Australia. I know there are lots of details that need to be worked out with these kinds of things, so I understand. I think I'm just disappointed and starting to be pretty pessimistic about the outcome. They're probably not going to send me. This was too good to be true. These are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head. And you know what? If they don't... it wasn't meant to be. But, oh man, it really seems like it's meant to be.

I just feel like I need this. I need to get out of here. I need something to break me, because I'm so whole (complacent) right now that I'm just barely being stretched. I need a change of scenery, a drastic one. At least that's what I think I need. God tends to have different thoughts on that from time to time. So it's still a waiting game. Wednesday? Next week? Who knows...

BUT He's gonna work it out. He always does. Don't worry, I didn't forget.

fight apathy.

We played our championship football game tonight. Last year we won. This year, we lost. I almost teared up on the sidelines when that dang girl ran the second touchdown in. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm competitive, I guess. But I didn't know I was that competitive.

It's taken me a good two hours to wind down from being upset about the game. And my chest still feels a little unrest. When Amanda drove me home from the game and when we got home I kept saying, "Man I'm upset. How do I make this go away?"

I got an email from my brother tonight telling me that my step-grandpa died. We weren't super close. He married my grandma when I was in high school and I didn't see them much. But still, one of my family members died today and this is only the second time I've thought about it.

There are bigger things happening tonight, Tara. The average age of a girl entering prostitution is 12-years-old. 12. years. old. While I've been typing this one of those 12-year-olds probably had her first customer. And I'm upset about a football game. Look at the big picture, Tara. Stop being so ridiculous.

Hey, the tightness in my chest has lifted. Crap. The tightness in my chest has lifted.