both feet

I'm leaving for Peru this week. Man, just saying that makes my breath come in a little faster and my heart start poking my insides a little harder. I've got too many things to do. Midterms. Ugh. Midterms. I'm leaving school one day early...which means early preparation and early deadlines.

Expectations...are you guys going to let me down? Anticipation...where have you taken me? Reality... why are you beating me so hard? Time...what is your hurry? Don't you know I'm not ready yet? Efficiency... could you step it up? Stress... you know, sometimes I wish I didn't know you so well. Peace... can we become better friends? Excitement... I see you back there, stop hiding, you can come out now. Creativity...this is no time for hide and seek. Brain... I expect your best behavior these next few days. Fear... I will fight you, I took self-defense two years ago. Heart...get ready, you're about to have sensory overload. Future... ready or not, here I come.

oh my God

"Sometimes I can not forgive
These days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep

While I lay, I'd dream we're better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other

Sometimes I can close my eyes
And all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
What makes me so badly bent?

We all have a chance to murder
We all have the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
That the pain is worth the plunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip
I wonder what to make of Heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give up

Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat them
All the wounds that money causes
All the comforts of cathedrals

All the cries of thirsty children
This is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers
This is our greatest offense

Oh, my God
Oh, my God
Oh, my God"

-Jars of Clay

historians

My grandpa died last night. Between 11:50 and 11:55. So the official date is February the 13th. But today the calls were made, today the tears were shed, and instead of today being a day of love, today is a day of loss.

My dad has lost both of his parents. His historians. The people who told him stories about the silly things he said when he was five, how he reacted when his first pet died, and the ones who scooped him up in their arms when he slammed his finger in the door. His memory keepers...they're both gone.

Ugh. How...is that ok? How do you cope with something like that? I talked to my dad tonight, he's doing ok. We've known this was coming...so preparation has been a nice cushion for this fall.

My heart aches though. It aches for my grandma who, when all the people are gone, will be left with a house all to herself. It aches for my dad and my aunts. Their DAD is gone. It aches. It aches. It aches.

And here I am in stupid Tennessee.

My grandpa wasn't very religious most of my dad's life...but my dad said that by the time he started fading he had made peace with God. My dad talked to me about how, really, grandpa is the one who is lucky because the next thing he will see is Jesus' face.

Tomorrow I get to wake up and spend another day in this broken world. Tomorrow my family wakes up and feels a hole that wasn't there yesterday. Tomorrow more children will be sold into sex slavery, more mothers will be beaten, and more families will be destroyed by infidelity.

The speaker at vespers Friday night said that he believes that Jesus is coming soon, and we are living in the end times.

Well, my grandpa was told that when he was a boy...and he lived his whole life with that being said over and over.

So did my dad, and sometimes I wonder if so will I.

Dear God,
Please come soon. We're dying down here.
Amen.

humanitarian intervention...why aren't you simple?

I'm an idealist.
You want to give me a dose of reality?
Ok...but I won't like it.
Just a warning, I'll chew it and make faces
And you'll have to make me open my mouth to make sure I swallowed.
But the more you make me eat, the harder my stomach will get
Until maybe I won't taste anything at all

But give it to me straight
And give it to me with compassion in your eyes
I'll take it
But only because I know I need it

d to the red

I got a dread put in a week ago...at the bottom of my head. Just one. I would explain to you why...but that's for another blog.

Right now my dear friend Melissa is diligently working to get this dread out. Zach took first shift, and now she's finishing up. It's knotted. Knotted good. Zach put it in...but wasn't expecting my hair to dread as easily as it did. "I've never seen a white person's hair dread like this." Well...that's because I don't have white person hair....

Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what I thought dreads were...I had never actually thought out the process. But, turns out, it's a bunch of knots. A bunch of matted knots. And they don't come out easy. But we're trying to take it out nonetheless. I want it to be thinner...so we're re-doing it, provided that I have any hair left.

They've been working on it for two hours, while we watch the Superbowl. My butt is numb...and I'm sure Melissa's hands are tired. She's been combing through the knots, applying gooey conditioner and taking precautions to ensure that my scalp stays attached to my head. She's wonderful.

Oh the dread. What a fun memory this will be someday.

putting it in....

taking it out....

1 Corinthians 13

I'm a secret agent.

You don't know where I'm from, or why I'm here. It's all about the low profile. And from what I understand, blending is key. I get to say a lot of things...but have been instructed to go easy on the application, I can't be standing out.

It's a beautiful set up, really. I get to live two lives in one world. Oh the talking is the best...I get to say things that dress me up and shine me up pretty. Are you impressed? You're meant to be.

But hey, don't look too close. Don't ask to see the application of my fluffy words, I won't be able to show you...it's the low profile.

I'm a secret agent. I work for...Jesus?

violations and vaccinations

Saturday night I participated in a volleyball tournament (which was awesome, by the way) and ended up coming home at 12:30. We have a back door to our apartment that I'll use often because I always lose my ID card that gets me in the front (surprise surprise). Our back porch faces a huge field...and isn't lit at all. As I got out of my car I made a call to one of my friends, and as I was talking and approached my porch I looked over and there was a man, leaning on the pole, standing on our porch.

gasp. loss of breath. sprinkles of fear running through my body.

"I sorry, I sorry" in a thick Hispanic accent.

I wanted to walk quickly by and get to my door, but I also wanted to know what the heck this guy was doing on my porch at midnight.

"What are you doing?"

"Just looking at the stars."

ok creepster Joe, there's a whole field wide open for your star gazing pleasure...get off my porch.

I came inside and told my roommates and Nick what had just happened...and Nick being the MAN that he is...went outside to check it out. Creepster Joe was gone. But later when Nick was leaving he went back to see if he was there again. And he WAS. Nick talked to him for a bit and asked him what he was doing...he told him the same story...and then Nick told him to leave and followed him to his car.

Campus Safety came over after and we found out that this guy matched the same description of the "Suspicious Man" that has been lurking around the girls' apartments in Southern Village. Nick and I are the first people reported to have actually talked to him...but he's been seen around many times.

ugh. When I think about walking back there so late...and him just standing there in the dark...my stomach feels weird. I wonder if anything would have happened if I hadn't been on the phone...or maybe he's just creepy and harmless, but creepy just the same.

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On another note, I'm going on that soul-searching possibly direction-of-life-changing mission trip to Peru a month from today. I just found out that the yellow fever vaccination is in shortage, and they're only giving it out to people that HAVE to get it. Well, apparently Peru recommends it, but doesn't require it... BUT Iquitos is in the "yellow fever zone" is that not enough? Guess not. Awesome.

One month. Dang. I've got a whole lot of preparing to do...on a lot of different levels.

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And lastly, I'm listening to Pandora radio, which has commercials now. Dumb. In the commercial that just came on they were talking about textbooks and the lady said, "You'll save a butt-load." Really f0lks?

Happy Monday friends.