My grandpa died last night. Between 11:50 and 11:55. So the official date is February the 13th. But today the calls were made, today the tears were shed, and instead of today being a day of love, today is a day of loss.
My dad has lost both of his parents. His historians. The people who told him stories about the silly things he said when he was five, how he reacted when his first pet died, and the ones who scooped him up in their arms when he slammed his finger in the door. His memory keepers...they're both gone.
Ugh. How...is that ok? How do you cope with something like that? I talked to my dad tonight, he's doing ok. We've known this was coming...so preparation has been a nice cushion for this fall.
My heart aches though. It aches for my grandma who, when all the people are gone, will be left with a house all to herself. It aches for my dad and my aunts. Their DAD is gone. It aches. It aches. It aches.
And here I am in stupid Tennessee.
My grandpa wasn't very religious most of my dad's life...but my dad said that by the time he started fading he had made peace with God. My dad talked to me about how, really, grandpa is the one who is lucky because the next thing he will see is Jesus' face.
Tomorrow I get to wake up and spend another day in this broken world. Tomorrow my family wakes up and feels a hole that wasn't there yesterday. Tomorrow more children will be sold into sex slavery, more mothers will be beaten, and more families will be destroyed by infidelity.
The speaker at vespers Friday night said that he believes that Jesus is coming soon, and we are living in the end times.
Well, my grandpa was told that when he was a boy...and he lived his whole life with that being said over and over.
So did my dad, and sometimes I wonder if so will I.
Dear God,
Please come soon. We're dying down here.
Amen.
I love you.
ReplyDeletei've been asking myself over and over again why God gave me a heart that feels so much and hurts so deeply. I feel like your heart beats the same. I don't have any answers as of yet, but I know there is a reason. hope sits on that reason.
ReplyDeletei like reading your perspectives on life tb.
"Soon" seems so so vague sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss, I remember when my grandpa died last year. It was hard for me, I used to take him to the barber to get his hair cut. I still go visit his grave sometimes when I come to Walla Walla where he's buried.
I'm sorry today was hard and your so far away from your family.
Tara. I just love what you write and how you write it. Your words and feelings are what everyone can relate with. Love it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tara! My prayers are stronger than they've been in a while.
ReplyDeleteGod come real soon!
Amen and amen
I'm sorry for you loss Tara.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Jesus please come soon...
You said it. This world is so broken. Everything that's happening lately reminds me of it, and I can hardly stand it. What's the point of people falling out of love and into divorce, my mom being paralyzed and needing emergency surgery, or your grandpa dying? It's all working out for the best, but I shake my fist at the sky and beg to know, "How?"
ReplyDeleteI have no solution but I think we should all hug more often.
"Ugh. . . . . How is this okay?"
ReplyDeleteIt's not, it's not okay.
Some people believe that suffering is a figment of my imagination. Some people believe that suffering is inevitable and we just need to "get over it." Some people think that suffering is just the result of being too attached to feelings.
But not us. We know that suffering is wrong. It's not how it's supposed to be. Suffering is NOT okay. That's why Jesus came the first time, and it's why He's coming back: to dry the tears and clean up the suffering and bind up the brokenhearted. To make what's not okay, okay.
So in the meantime, dear Tara, hold fast to hope. I'm sorry about your hurt... Jesus will come back to make it better. Soon.
The nature of memory has always thrown me a bit. I've had 6 concussions, so sometimes memories don't stick so well, so I jive with the whole historian deal. You've reminded me to prioritize getting to know my parents and getting to know the me before I have memories. Loss sucks, but you and I are part of the community memory that keeps people like your Grandpa part of history, a broken world's history, but still a history that's being written down in the books in heaven. We'll go over those books soon enough. blessings.
ReplyDeleteTara I am so sorry for your loss. I just read your blog and I only wish I could have read it sooner!
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
and yes Dear Abba please come soon!
Tara, my sweet, sweet daughter...grandpa is gone, but not forgotten. He lives in you and me... and in baby Addi.
ReplyDeleteNow I am grandpa...and someday, unless the Lord comes first (yes, Amen, come Lord Jesus), I will one day sleep. It is not a bad thing...to rest...to get a good long sleep... and awake to find that it's not my alarm clock awakening me, but the trumpet of the Lord. How cool is that?
Grandpa rests. He finally rests. And that's a good thing. A really good thing.
"And I would not have you be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe in God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainlyl not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven, with a loud commande, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore comfort one another with these words."
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.
I love you.
Dad
when heavy feelings start settling i start thrashing (all inside of me of course) :) but there is another way i think to deal with this stuff that i haven't yet figured out--and i think it involves a peace that covers all our lack of understanding....in the moments when we're like "SADNESS DONT SETTLE!!! AH! DON'T TRAP ME CIRCUMSTANCE!" I'm praying for you tara. that you got your paper printed out and peace settled in your heart about your grandpa and how HEAVEN makes the picture so much bigger! Love you, Em
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