The Depths

I'm selfish.

When I was in fifth grade stickers became really popular (does anyone else remember that?). We would go to these machines in the stores and buy stickers...and if we had cool ones...we would trade them. Sometimes, if our stickers were lame, we would trade 3 lame ones for 1 semi cool one. And if we were really good negotiators...you might actually get a cool one for 3 lame ones. I won't go too into depth with the whole trading process, I feel like it might reveal too much about how stupid it was. But I do remember this one especially dramatic incident. You see, I had 4 matching dog and alien heads. Each dog head matched the alien head. And yes, this collection was the envy of all the fifth graders. Everyone wanted this one specific set of alien/dog heads. They were bright tie dye colors...with shimmery blocks that would glisten when you moved it back and forth. I got offered entire sticker collections for those two stickers. I got offered money...and I think one girl actually cried. But I wouldn't cave. Those were MY stickers...and I was going to keep them...and not stick them on ANYTHING.

I'm selfish.

I was the point guard on my varsity basketball team my senior year of high school. I got a lot of playing time...and was fully aware of the fact that my coach counted on me a lot. To be honest, I was pretty proud of myself. But of course I was really humble whenever anyone would say anything. I would say things like, "Well it's a team effort, I couldn't win by myself" or "Aw thanks, did you see Krystal's shot though? She did really well tonight." But in my head I was thinking, "I know."

It was my last game, we were playing in the Friendship Tournament...and the game was close. I made a couple of bad passes, and my coach pulled me out. For the rest of the game another point guard went in, and she did really good. I mean...she dominated. So I'm sitting there...fuming, it's MY last high school game...ever...and this freshman girl is outshining me. The buzzer went off...we still lost...but my team was really excited for this girl. And me? I was upset. Because it was MY game and MY time to shine, and I didn't even get to play in the fourth quarter.

I'm selfish.

I have a lot of clothes. A lot that I don't wear, that just sit. So I decided that I wanted to clean my closet out and take my clothes to Platos Closet to hopefully get some money for them. My roommates asked me if they could rummage through my clothes before I took them and see if they liked anything I was giving away. And I hesitated. For some reason I have a hard time giving away clothes to friends, because I'm afraid I'll see my clothes on them and think, "That's a really cool shirt, I should have kept it...dang it." What a ridiculously selfish way to think. What a RIDICULOUSLY selfish way to think.

I am so so selfish.

Ben and I had a discussion about relationships today, as we frequently do. One thing we talked about was the fact that there is this deep evil that inhabits each one of us. Not many people get to see it in all it's glory...we're pretty good at covering it up. But it's there. And at the core of it...is selfishness.

We are a society that focuses on personal gain, it's more about us and our happiness...than about others and theirs. We are naturally this way.

This is the worst thing that Satan could have done, I think. Because it is COMPLETELY opposite of who God is. In the Bible God is CONSTANTLY asking us to give of ourselves, to be SELFLESS, to LOVE the unlovable. And yet, these are some of the hardest things for us to do. But it's interesting, because we feel better when we do these things.

It's what we were created for.

I want to work on this.

Selflessness, when practiced and not just preached, is the most beautiful thing you'll ever see.