stop. motion. what?

Here is the sweet video that goes with those sweet pictures.

we formed a band from Nicholas Livanos on Vimeo.

make some music

We did a photo shoot for a project Jessi is working on. It's a cd cover... with the best band out there.

We play great music. Our own special sound. There's a beautiful melody that comes out when we all get together. It's a melody filled with love, laughter, and community... and then the harmony comes in and makes the music whole, makes it real. The harmony fills out the sound with compassion, understanding, and depth... and beautiful songs are played, every day. Some make you get up and dance, and others make you want to grab a tissue... but they're all worth listening to... cause the band is worth listening to.

I'm a lucky girl, to be in such a band.

.

"Thanksgiving is never going to be the same for their family."

One of my friends said this as we talked about the Wolcott family and what they must be experiencing this holiday season.

Grief. Pain. Sleepless nights. Burning eyes. Waking up every morning, realizing it's not a dream. Questions. No answers. No comforting ones anyway.

Thank GOD that we know that this isn't it. That this isn't all we've got to look forward to. How do people who don't believe in God bear this place?


Everything rides on hope now
everything rides on faith somehow
and when the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

-Addison Road

heart matters.

"I hope he eats so much sugar that he goes into a diabetic coma"

I've never had a good experience with salesclerks at Plato's Closet. Ever. They've got great clothes, for good prices... but that's about all they've got going for them. The other day while browsing through the jeans I pictured the manager interviewing possible employees and saying, "Now, can you be really really snobby and have awful customer service?.... Yes? Great, when can you start?"

My interaction the other day probably takes the cake though. After many dressing room visits and tough decisions I brought my three articles of clothing to the register, and was greeted with a scalp. I say a scalp because the girl was looking down, texting.

I sniffed loudly.

"Oh, are you ready?"

Nope, just standin here, with my purse out and my clothes on the counter

"Yeah."

She started scanning my clothes, but then her phone vibrated.

"He's going to Red Robyn for lunch, what an idiot," she said to another girl sitting behind the counter and folding clothes.

Dialogue. Girl talk. Analyzing. Convincing. Benefit of the doubting. Girl talk.

Me standing. Waiting. Another woman gets in line behind me.

She texts back.

"He can't just keep eating whatever he wants, he's going to die someday, and I'm not even going to care. He brought it on himself."

There it is, I thought.

The masked pain.

She cares. She cares so much it hurts. And this is not to say that there isn't a healthy amount of dysfunction sifting through this pain... but it was just interesting to me. It was like with those words she was saying, "More plaster, more bricks please. I've got to build this wall high, so he can't take another swat at my heart."

We're good at that you know. Masking. Building. Pretending. It's because of pain, obviously.

It's easier to not care. Your heart gets to sit on the couch for awhile, prop its feet up, get real comfy. You don't have to get out the bandages and the ice again and again.

It's horrible to give your heart to something or someone, and then want it back. It's like peeling off a sticker, there's always going to be that sticky residue that stays. Forever.

Ugh.

I hope when it's my turn again, I'm wise. Yes. Wisdom is what I wish for.

practice makes perfect

I saw a man sitting alone on a bench outside the elementary school on my way home yesterday. He was staring blankly at the ground, back hunched over as if the weight of the world was pressing down on him and posture was out of the question.

That man looks so sad, I thought. I wonder if he's doing alright.

As I began passing I said "hello" and a heart felt, REAL "how are you doing?"

A somber, "Fine" was what I got.

Brain turmoil. Tug o' war in the brain.

I've been trying this thing where I don't ask "how's it goin?" unless I really have time to listen, and I really honestly want to hear the answer.

I took a couple steps.

That's it? You're just gonna walk by? What if he needs someone to care... just turn around and ask if he's really alright, what's the worst that could happen? ....Ummm...he could hear me.

I literally paused mid step, studder stepped, almost turned around, but pressed on. All this stuff flashed through my brain about what's wrong with the world today, and how we forget to support each other and find value in what TRULY matters. Then I thought these words, and I knew I was gonna turn around....

CARE Tara. Choose to care.

I was already like 15 feet away, but I turned around and started bridging the distance, somewhat awkwardly.

"Are you sure you're doing alright?" I said when I'd come close enough.

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for my daughter to pick her up." Smile/I was spacing out for a bit but I really am ok, look.

"Alright, just checking."

"Thanks for asking."

"No problem"

I turned around and continued to walk home, so glad for the mildly awkward encounter. Glad because I let love drive me, not fear or pride.

Imagine what this world would look like if this is what we practiced EVERY DAY. If we forgot about the social walls and the acceptance scale and our stupid schedules. If we were the musketeer Christians shouting "All for One and One for all!", recognizing that we are all broken, and all in need of support. Seeking to be people who think about self LESS and LOVE more.

Selfless. More love.

Even though I'm sure I didn't do anything for that man, and to you it may seem completely unnecessary, it was necessary for me. Because the more I make decisions like that, the easier they'll be. And that's what I want my life to be. I want my life to be driven by love and acceptance, not fear, pride, and insecurities. I want to practice loving. All the time. And someday maybe practice will make me closer to Christ, closer to perfect.