Thursday, November 12, 2009

heart matters.

"I hope he eats so much sugar that he goes into a diabetic coma"

I've never had a good experience with salesclerks at Plato's Closet. Ever. They've got great clothes, for good prices... but that's about all they've got going for them. The other day while browsing through the jeans I pictured the manager interviewing possible employees and saying, "Now, can you be really really snobby and have awful customer service?.... Yes? Great, when can you start?"

My interaction the other day probably takes the cake though. After many dressing room visits and tough decisions I brought my three articles of clothing to the register, and was greeted with a scalp. I say a scalp because the girl was looking down, texting.

I sniffed loudly.

"Oh, are you ready?"

Nope, just standin here, with my purse out and my clothes on the counter

"Yeah."

She started scanning my clothes, but then her phone vibrated.

"He's going to Red Robyn for lunch, what an idiot," she said to another girl sitting behind the counter and folding clothes.

Dialogue. Girl talk. Analyzing. Convincing. Benefit of the doubting. Girl talk.

Me standing. Waiting. Another woman gets in line behind me.

She texts back.

"He can't just keep eating whatever he wants, he's going to die someday, and I'm not even going to care. He brought it on himself."

There it is, I thought.

The masked pain.

She cares. She cares so much it hurts. And this is not to say that there isn't a healthy amount of dysfunction sifting through this pain... but it was just interesting to me. It was like with those words she was saying, "More plaster, more bricks please. I've got to build this wall high, so he can't take another swat at my heart."

We're good at that you know. Masking. Building. Pretending. It's because of pain, obviously.

It's easier to not care. Your heart gets to sit on the couch for awhile, prop its feet up, get real comfy. You don't have to get out the bandages and the ice again and again.

It's horrible to give your heart to something or someone, and then want it back. It's like peeling off a sticker, there's always going to be that sticky residue that stays. Forever.

Ugh.

I hope when it's my turn again, I'm wise. Yes. Wisdom is what I wish for.

8 comments:

  1. Sometimes I feel like I am covered in sticker glue, from head to toe, and the pain of ripping it off still stings... my heart is a fraction of the size it used to be because I've handed out so many bloody chunks... Morbid, I know, but the effects are morbid, it can't be helped. It can't be helped. I know, I've tried. You know I've tried. I know you've tried. Man...

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  2. bloody chunks--not morbid, just a bit of truth.

    tara, this is so beautiful. But even with all the wisdom in the world...there's still quite a bit of risk.

    here again, i think you read someone really well. reading between the lines is what people are dying for someone to do so often...."Please hear what I'm REALlY saying." Miss you Tara! Can't wait for you to get here! Love Emily

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  3. some peoples hearts are like those used clothes you were buying. There is still treasure to be found, and unfortunately, broken hearts usually sell at a cheaper price.

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  4. There are days when I want to wreck my car because I feel like I've nothing left but sticker gunk. Is there even a heart somewhere inside all that glop? There must be, because something still gets hurt sometimes. Something still feels joy sometimes.

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  5. Tara your thoughts and vulnerability are inspiring and very interesting for us to read. We always look forward to your posts.

    You have so much wisdom already, wow! You should become a guru! We are sure you will be wise next time!

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  6. Tara, this is the truth. You nailed it. Hopefully we'll all be wiser next time.

    I agree with chelsea 100%
    bloody chunks indeed...

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  7. Agreed friend. But I would say that wisdom won't be much help. If you take wisdom too seriously it can restrain you from taking risks. When you start to risk you have to risk it all, your will to risk has to override your view of what's "smart," or else it isn't real and 100%. Maybe it is possible though to take a wise risk? But I don't know...

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  8. this triggered a lot of melancholy comments and some very deep thoughts. i'm just going to say that someone should do that girl a favor by firing her and telling her exactly why.

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