i should be sleeping

I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love since I've been in Walla Walla. I underline a lot in books. I got teased recently because, really, if I underline everything, I'm never going to be able to go back and find the things that are most significant. But everything she says is so good to me right now. Some of the quotes just hit me straight on. Quotes like this:

"There's a reason they call God a presence-because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find him, and now is the only time."

I don't know what's happening with my future. I don't know where I'm going to work, who I'm going to marry, if I'm even going to get married, or if I'll always be scared of the bathroom. And so sometimes the thought of my future is disconcerting. I get this overwhelming feeling of 'I-don't-know-what's-going-to-happen-and-I'm-scared-that whatever-does-happen-isn't-going-to-be-as-good-as-I've-dreamed-it.' I spend a lot of time (confession alert) thinking and talking about these things with my friends, especially the girls. We love dreaming and giggling and scheming about how our families will go on trips together, and the men we marry will all be great friends, and wouldn't it be great if we all lived in the same neighborhood? I spend so much time talking about the future that I forget that God is trying to do stuff with me now. If I focus on God right now, then I think it's safe to say that I'm going to be ok with how the next 70 years play out.

"Faith is a way of saying, 'Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding."

I don't understand how God works. I understand the cliche things we say about how God works, but sometimes I don't know if that's how it is, or if that's just how we've always said it is. Either way, I think that I'm starting to really love God again. Actually, let me rephrase, I think I'm starting to remember how much God loves me, which makes me have this supernatural warmth in my heart for God. I've got questions about our theology, the way prayer works, why there's so much crap in the world, but I've decided that what I need first--before I can answer any of those questions--is to just know Him. How am I going to get answers if I'm not even close enough to hear what He has to say?

I get overwhelmed with this longing sometimes. I can just see how different my life can be with God--and then my heart starts to beat faster--and I can feel life start to grow.

"I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my blood stream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."

Me too, Liz Gilbert, me too.