Today was my last day of work. No more working for the president. It's been an honor. Seriously.
I realized that I can't decide if I love or hate this cat that I live with. Mostly she frustrates the heck out of me. Like today, I was standing by the couch and she just JUMPED up, SWIPED my arm, and then bolted back under the Christmas tree. Who does that!? Why is she so evil?? But then it occurred to me that I've got a nice little place in my heart carved out for her. Weird.
My room is a mess. I haven't had the time or energy to clean it. But also, I haven't cleaned it because I've been telling myself that I'm going to be packing soon--so why don't I just wait till then? The problem is that I'm not actually leaving for another week. This is also why I haven't had any vegetables for two weeks--I didn't want to buy food if I was just going to leave. Bad. Idea.
When I was a kid my brother and I played cops and indians. It didn't occur to us that it should be different.
This will never be my home again. I don't want to go, I really don't. People keep telling me to stop saying that I'm leaving--but I've got to. I have to vocalize it and turn it over in my head so my heart doesn't rip in half when I get on that plane. I didn't know that friendships like this existed two and half years ago--and now I don't know how I will live without them.
Sometime between 7 and 9pm on Wednesday, December 15 I become part of the real world--as opposed to this fake world I've been living in. Fake, yea right. That's the last word I'd use to describe my life here.
This blog is good. I think I know how you are feeling after reading it. Maybe also because I have had to feel the same way recently. We should talk someday.
ReplyDeleteI want to say something about this blog...but I dont know what to say. I hope to see you in person sometime soon, maybe then I will know what to say. Thanks for your friendship.
ReplyDeleteUhhh, I know the feeling Tara. Welcome to the I-have-amazing-friends-far-away club. Congrats on graduating!
ReplyDeleteyeah, I also have a need to vocalize stuff. thanks for sharing it on here too because I enjoyed reading it
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck. The real world isn't too bad, but if you cant handle it, you could get a masters.
ReplyDeleteI like Renee's name for this club..."I-have-amazing-friends-far-away". that is nice. true, delightful and sad all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteFriend thank you for sharing. I too have similar feelings when I come to TN and put cats up in trees, play hide-and-go-seek, play "NOT IT!!", talk until the wee hours of the morning, eat cookies, and talk with like minded people. Coming from me, I know that it isn't believable that you find a way. I mean seriously, I talk with trees and wind. Who does that? Anyway, I know how you feel. I'm here to support. I hope to start the not-very-far-away club. You are awesome. (Funny note: my captcha is "micat".)
ReplyDeleteYou do need to say it. It's like your funeral that we had the other day on your birthday. We need to say some things. Sometimes aloud. Sometimes just to ourselves.
ReplyDeleteGood byes. They rip pieces of our hearts out. But good byes are good, because they remind us of all the wonder and magic that occured after the first hellos.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't take the dread of them away though.
Maybe we should have waited to watch the last West Wing until yesterday.
ReplyDelete(Can you tell that I'm still in denial?)
It's okay to be sad and to enjoy each day until you leave as if you will be there forever. Just tuck each memory away in your heart for later. And plan on getting together soon--think of the reunion! What joy and happiness will be there!!!
ReplyDeleteI WANT THAT CAT. (and i'm insensitive.)
ReplyDelete