externally internal

I realize that it's a little vain to have a picture of myself like this on my blog. BUT the significance of what you see up there is--significant. When I made my hair cut appointment I didn't have this in mind. No bangs. No crazy layers. Nothing DRASTIC.

But something happened inside of me today while driving between Yakima and Walla Walla. I talked to God. And it was good. Do you know what talking to God and just being painfully honest does to your soul? You probably do. You've probably done it much more than me. But after I just BARED IT ALL I felt so FREE. And READY. And STRONG.

And so I thought, why the heck not? Why not embrace something different and new? The reactions were funny. I think it would be fair to say that mostly people were just shocked. Nothing negative, or even positive. Just shocked. Comments like, "I don't even know who you are!" and "Where did your curly hair go!?" were shouted. And the best one. The very best one. Was when my dad walked into the house and INTRODUCED himself to me. He thought I was one of my friends! Oh man. That was wonderful.

But my point here is... the haircut isn't why I feel like a different person today. It is helping, to be sure, but it's not what did me in. I think it was God. I think that something has finally clicked and I'm finally ready.

I'm finally ready to work really hard. Really hard on life. I'm ready to use this transition period as a real period in life--not some flowy, jell-o-y, murky bog of... not life. I've been blessed with this free chunk of time and I have JUST now realized it.

Anthony says that you can always tell that a girl is going through something if she does something drastic to her hair. Well hot dang, I guess he's right.

Elvis lives.

I got a package from Ben Schnell the other day. No note. Just this...

"TRUE FANS FOR ELVIS FAN CLUB"

This is an awkward picture, I know, but I was trying to highlight the awesomeness that is this dress/shirt.

This is Ellie and Sheldon--my step niece and nephew?

Ellie told me she wasn't ashamed to be seen with me.

I have now been privy to two random costume gifts. I love what this says about my friends and I love what it says about how well they know me.

Thanks Beno-face. You're the bomb dot com.

preferred?

I have pink eye. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but it did. I mean it is--happening. Alex Heaton says that it's the prettiest pink eye she's ever seen. She told me stories about her pink eye and how her eye was bubbly and scratchy. Gross. My eye does not bubble nor does it scratch. So that's nice.

I let out a big frustrated growl/groan today when I was getting ready. It's hard to feel attractive when you have pink eye. Pink eye means a pink-ish eye, which means one of your eyes looks weird. Pink eye means no contacts, which means glasses from eighth grade are being rocked. Pink eye means no eye makeup, which means bare eyeballs and a face that I'm not used to looking at.

I don't like that.

I don't like that I don't think people will think I'm as attractive if I'm just wearing my face. And maybe the issue is more that I don't feel as attractive if I'm not wearing makeup--and if I don't see myself as attractive then other people won't view me that way either (isn't that how it works?). We wear makeup to look better than what we really look like? Does anyone else see how this is strange?

I've had a couple friends, and me too, go for periods of time without makeup. Just to kind of--I don't know--take a stand against the ridiculousness of it all. Those are interesting experiences. Interesting because you get vibes when your face is naked like that, especially from guys, if I'm being honest. You just get treated a little differently. A girl told me once that she felt like the guy who was interested in her preferred her wearing makeup.

And that, my friends, sucks.

It sucks to feel like the natural you isn't the preferred you. When being goofy and finally letting loose is received with odd, maybe even annoyed, looks. When talking about computer software and the level you're on in World of Warcraft somehow makes you less worthy of people's time (guilty). And when not knowing enough about politics, social justice, tofu, sports, books, history, celebrities, God, or The Beatles means that you somehow are less...something.

Because, really, that's who you are--and that should be ok.

.

this is good, too.

They took a three hour drive to come see me yesterday--knowing that they'd have to leave early this morning to catch Chelsea's flight. It was a spontaneous move. They are spontaneous girls. We soaked up our girl time like sponges (the bacteria-free ones). Dinner at Sweet Basil Pizza. LONG talk at Coffee Perk. 3 in a bed.

We woke up this morning to get coffee before they left. I thought about driving back to Spokane with them. Decided it was impractical. Talked about it with the girls. Decided it was spontaneous. No shower. 2 minute pack. Goodbye to my groggy and confused dad. --and we were on the road. We are spontaneous girls.

rest. stop.

When I said my goodbyes at Southern I felt like my heart was breaking. Those feelings and thoughts are for another blog in itself. But for tonight, just know that I realized that I have friends that feed my soul in Washington too. And I needed to remember that. God knew I needed to remember that.

I gotta go. Em is getting impatient. It's hot tub time!

This is my laptop. in the road. as a car is quickly approaching.

stressed = blessed

• I need sleep = I haven't gone to bed before 2am all week--friend time is just too precious (Amanda and I stayed up until 5:30 am this morning!)
• I hate packing = I have possessions to pack/my parents are SO helpful
• There are too many job possibilities--what do I pursue? = I have job possibilities
• Goodbyes suck = I've invested in this place and in these friendships--deeply.
• If I choose to live in the NW I'll only have half my heart/If I choose to live in TN I'll only have half my heart = I have two homes
• I graduated and now the world is wide open = I graduated and now the world is wide open

in the brain

Sometimes when I think about getting married I can't actually picture it happening. Not because I'm all pessimistic and boohooing that no one is ever going to love me, but because it seems so far removed. It's similar to how I feel about Heaven, unfortunately.

Today was my last day of work. No more working for the president. It's been an honor. Seriously.

I realized that I can't decide if I love or hate this cat that I live with. Mostly she frustrates the heck out of me. Like today, I was standing by the couch and she just JUMPED up, SWIPED my arm, and then bolted back under the Christmas tree. Who does that!? Why is she so evil?? But then it occurred to me that I've got a nice little place in my heart carved out for her. Weird.

My room is a mess. I haven't had the time or energy to clean it. But also, I haven't cleaned it because I've been telling myself that I'm going to be packing soon--so why don't I just wait till then? The problem is that I'm not actually leaving for another week. This is also why I haven't had any vegetables for two weeks--I didn't want to buy food if I was just going to leave. Bad. Idea.

When I was a kid my brother and I played cops and indians. It didn't occur to us that it should be different.

This will never be my home again. I don't want to go, I really don't. People keep telling me to stop saying that I'm leaving--but I've got to. I have to vocalize it and turn it over in my head so my heart doesn't rip in half when I get on that plane. I didn't know that friendships like this existed two and half years ago--and now I don't know how I will live without them.

Sometime between 7 and 9pm on Wednesday, December 15 I become part of the real world--as opposed to this fake world I've been living in. Fake, yea right. That's the last word I'd use to describe my life here.

and that's all she wrote

Got an email tonight. I'm not going to India.

I haven't verbalized it to anyone yet... even though I have friends here, sitting in the same room. I want to hold it close for a little bit longer--take time to look closely at the disappointment, turn it over in my mind--then put it on the shelf. For good.

I am having a "chat" with the hiring manager for World Vision tomorrow. It looks promising.

The phrase "Let go and let God" has come to mind several times during this process. I've never said it out loud because it sounds too contrived--too cliche. But you should know that from now on, that's exactly what I'm planning to do.